Matt D.
Jokes for November 18th, 2011.

This year the White House will have a traditional Thanksgiving with a big turkey, or as we call him, Joe Biden.

Newt Gingrich is gaining some popularity.  Unlike Herman Cain he actually has some foreign policy experience; all of his honeymoons have been out of the country.

Demi Moore and Ashton are officially done.  Six years may not seem like a long marriage but in Kardashian years that’s like four lifetimes.

Herman Cain is the first Republican presidential candidate to receive Secret Service protection.  It’s a lot of work to protect Herman Cain; they’ve got to jump in front of a camera every time he opens his mouth.

Today was Regis’s last day on Live!  Such a sad moment, you could really see in his face he had no idea where he was.  They’re looking for a replacement but those are some tiny shoes to fill. 

Jokes for November 4th, 2011.

Because of the NBA lockout the first two weeks of the season are going to be cancelled.  The good news is that’ll give Kim Kardashian more time to pick out her next husband.

Lady Gaga will have her own Thanksgiving special entitled, ” A Very Gaga Thanksgiving.”  Turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, I’m sure she’ll be wearing all of them.

Day light savings time ends this Saturday.  Finally get that extra 11th hour of sleep.  I’m not sure why we have daylights savings; I think it has something to do with farming or making it easier to spot the people too dumb to set a clock.

Snooki has introduced her own perfume.  It’s about time we had the female equivalent of Axe Body Spray.

Dippin’ Dots, the novelty ice cream company, has filed for bankruptcy.  OK, America.  Now is the time to panic.

Jokes for November 3rd, 2011.

Rick Perry says he wasn’t intoxicated during his speech in New Hampshire.  He just inhaled too many hairspray fumes.

Playboy is going to redo Lindsay Lohan’s photos.  Instead of going completely nude they’re going to photograph her leaving the club at a reasonable hour completely sober, because they want to give readers something they’ve never seen before.

They’re apparently not very happy with the photos.  I think they realized they don’t need airbrushing, they need a time machine.

Justin Bieber will have to take a paternity test.  Right after he finishes studying for his chemistry test.

The mother says it’s definitely his, the baby has his father’s bowl cut.

In Argentina they found fossils of a saber-toothed squirrel.  Right next to the remains of a cave-less cavemen sleeping on a prehistoric park bench.

Lot of questions surrounding Herman Cain right now.  Is he lying?  Is she lying?  Is it delivery or is it DiGiorno?

Jokes for November 1st, 2011.

President Obama had a physical the other day.  The doctor looked over his chart and said he had some bad news.  Then he read him his poll numbers.

Bank of America will no longer charge customers a monthly $5 fee to use their debit cards.  They will now be charging a monthly $10 “no more $5 fee” fee.

Harold Camping, the man who incorrectly predicted the rapture, has apologized and retired.  This guy is so bad at predictions he thought Kim Kardashian’s marriage was going to last.

A designer has made an $8 million luxury iPad 2 that comes with diamonds and dinosaur bones.  Finally, an iPad for the 1%.

Whoever buys that is going to feel really stupid when the iPad 3 comes out.  That one comes with dinosaur bones.

8 million dollars and I bet whoever buys it still throws it in a Hello Kitty case.

Peanut butter prices are skyrocketing.  Which explains that new commercial I saw, Cash for Peanut Butter Cups.

Jokes for October 31st, 2011.

Passengers on a JetBlue plane were stranded on the tarmac in Connecticut for more than seven hours Saturday.  That sounds horrible.  Connecticut?  

Seven hours, wow, that’s almost as long as Kim Kardashian’s marriage lasted.

The worst part was that every so often the plane would act like it was going to take off, giving the passengers Jet Blue balls.

After only 72 days of marriage, Kim Kardashian and her husband are getting divorced.  This is terrible.  Who could of predicted this? Oh, right, everybody.  

They’re still trying to restore power on the East Coast.  Most people have haven’t had power since Saturday, while the White House hasn’t had power for months.

Herman Cain is denying allegations that he sexually harassed two former female employees.  A lot of people think it’s a smear campaign started by one of Cain’s competitors like Mitt Romney or Papa John.

Vice President Biden’s daughter is engaged.  It’s not going to be a traditional wedding though.  Usually at a wedding the guests want the bride’s father to make a speech.

Jokes for October 27th, 2011.

A Santa Fe woman was arrested after stabbing her boyfriend over a game of Monopoly.  Things got worse when she tried bribing an officer with Monopoly money.

Nicki Minaj is the most searched for celebrity Halloween costume.  How hard is it to find a pink wig and two pillows to strap to your butt?

A young boy in Denver wants to join the Girl Scouts.  His dad is totally encouraging.  He really wants the Thin Mints connection.

The State Department bought more than $70,000 worth of President Barack Obama’s books to give out as Christmas presents.  Because we all know the best way to regain popularity is to be the guy who gives out books at Christmas.

Economic growth in the US has started to pick up.  It spiked yesterday when Santorum bought a years worth of hair product.

Jokes for October 26th, 2011.

A performance artist gave birth to a baby in an art gallery.  Not sure if it’s a girl or a boy, but it’ll definitely be pretentious.

Texas governor Rick Perry says it was a mistake for him to participate in the GOP debates.  He could have been executing so many more people.

U.K. scientists have grown super broccoli.  Now instead of looking like little trees it looks like actual trees.

An ex-Apple exec has redesigned the thermostat.  Whatever you do don’t buy the shuffle model; the temperature randomly changes whenever you walk into a room.

Sales of new homes hit a five-month high.  The last time we saw a five-month high was Charlie Sheen.

Jokes for October 25th, 2011.

Lindsay Lohan is going to pose for Playboy.  I just hope they air brush the crows feet around her vagina.

This is big news for people who don’t know about Google Image Search.

Moammar Gaddafi has been buried in a secret desert location.  When Biden got the memo he was like, “Dessert location?  We put him in a brownie?”

Occupy Wall Street protesters now have a free app to alert others if they’re about to be arrested.  Or as other protesters are looking at it, an app that alerts others when a new tent is available.

Kim Kardashian has signed on to be in the new Tyler Perry movie.  Tyler Perry will play both her butt cheeks.

Gold prices continue to rise.  I wish I had invested in gold, instead of Beanie Babies.

Jokes for October 24th, 2011.

It’s my favorite time of the year.  The air smells a little bit crisper, the leaves are changing color, and the McRib is back.

This year I plan on having my Thanksgiving turkey stuffed with McRibs.

The McRib only comes around once a year, like Santa, or my dad when I was a kid.

A company has developed shoes with built in GPS to keep track of senior citizens with Alzheimer’s.  It’s the Grandparent positioning system.

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly getting rid of her manager.  Can you blame her?  The latest gig he got her was emptying the trash at a morgue.

The location of the crashed German satellite is still unknown.  By now it could be at the bottom of an ocean, or three pages back on Craigslist.

Muammar Gaddafi is on display in a shopping center freezer.  For months he couldn’t be found, now he’s right next to the Bagel Bites.

Jokes for October 20th, 2011.

Muammar Gaddafi has been killed.  He will be remembered as the crazy dictator with the Lionel Richie hair.

He died exactly as he lived.  Wearing gold pants.

Russia wants to colonize the moon.  The moon is cold, dark, and nobody else wants to go there.  So it’s a lot like Russia.

Astronomers have taken pictures of a planet being born.  Many people wonder just how is a planet born?  Well, you see, when two planets really love each other…

MC Hammer is working on a search engine to rival Google.  I respect a guy with big goals and even bigger pants.  

Yesterday a crazy animal owner in Ohio set free a bunch of tigers, lions, and bears.  The National Guard called in Sarah Palin.