November 2011
4 posts
Jokes for November 18th, 2011.
This year the White House will have a traditional Thanksgiving with a big turkey, or as we call him, Joe Biden.
Newt Gingrich is gaining some popularity. Unlike Herman Cain he actually has some foreign policy experience; all of his honeymoons have been out of the country.
Demi Moore and Ashton are officially done. Six years may not seem like a long marriage but in Kardashian years that’s like...
Jokes for November 4th, 2011.
Because of the NBA lockout the first two weeks of the season are going to be cancelled. The good news is that’ll give Kim Kardashian more time to pick out her next husband.
Lady Gaga will have her own Thanksgiving special entitled, ” A Very Gaga Thanksgiving.” Turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, I’m sure she’ll be wearing all of them.
Day light savings time ends this...
Jokes for November 3rd, 2011.
Rick Perry says he wasn’t intoxicated during his speech in New Hampshire. He just inhaled too many hairspray fumes.
Playboy is going to redo Lindsay Lohan’s photos. Instead of going completely nude they’re going to photograph her leaving the club at a reasonable hour completely sober, because they want to give readers something they’ve never seen before.
They’re apparently...
Jokes for November 1st, 2011.
President Obama had a physical the other day. The doctor looked over his chart and said he had some bad news. Then he read him his poll numbers.
Bank of America will no longer charge customers a monthly $5 fee to use their debit cards. They will now be charging a monthly $10 “no more $5 fee” fee.
Harold Camping, the man who incorrectly predicted the rapture, has apologized and retired. This...
Jokes for October 31st, 2011.
Passengers on a JetBlue plane were stranded on the tarmac in Connecticut for more than seven hours Saturday. That sounds horrible. Connecticut?
Seven hours, wow, that’s almost as long as Kim Kardashian’s marriage lasted.
The worst part was that every so often the plane would act like it was going to take off, giving the passengers Jet Blue balls.
After only 72 days of marriage, Kim...
October 2011
14 posts
Jokes for October 27th, 2011.
A Santa Fe woman was arrested after stabbing her boyfriend over a game of Monopoly. Things got worse when she tried bribing an officer with Monopoly money.
Nicki Minaj is the most searched for celebrity Halloween costume. How hard is it to find a pink wig and two pillows to strap to your butt?
A young boy in Denver wants to join the Girl Scouts. His dad is totally encouraging. He really...
Jokes for October 26th, 2011.
A performance artist gave birth to a baby in an art gallery. Not sure if it’s a girl or a boy, but it’ll definitely be pretentious.
Texas governor Rick Perry says it was a mistake for him to participate in the GOP debates. He could have been executing so many more people.
U.K. scientists have grown super broccoli. Now instead of looking like little trees it looks like actual trees.
An...
Jokes for October 25th, 2011.
Lindsay Lohan is going to pose for Playboy. I just hope they air brush the crows feet around her vagina.
This is big news for people who don’t know about Google Image Search.
Moammar Gaddafi has been buried in a secret desert location. When Biden got the memo he was like, “Dessert location? We put him in a brownie?”
Occupy Wall Street protesters now have a free app to alert...
Jokes for October 24th, 2011.
It’s my favorite time of the year. The air smells a little bit crisper, the leaves are changing color, and the McRib is back.
This year I plan on having my Thanksgiving turkey stuffed with McRibs.
The McRib only comes around once a year, like Santa, or my dad when I was a kid.
A company has developed shoes with built in GPS to keep track of senior citizens with Alzheimer’s. It’s the...
Jokes for October 20th, 2011.
Muammar Gaddafi has been killed. He will be remembered as the crazy dictator with the Lionel Richie hair.
He died exactly as he lived. Wearing gold pants.
Russia wants to colonize the moon. The moon is cold, dark, and nobody else wants to go there. So it’s a lot like Russia.
Astronomers have taken pictures of a planet being born. Many people wonder just how is a planet born? Well, you...
Jokes for October 17th, 2011.
Obama is heading out on another bus tour. He says a bus just made the most sense economically. For example, he was able to get from Boston to New York for just 15 dollars.
They almost went with Biden’s suggestion, the choo-choo.
As of October 31st, there will be 7 billion people on Earth. You think it’s hard to find parking now.
Herman Cain admits “some people will pay more” under his 9-9-9...
Jokes for October 13th, 2011.
A new poll says that Americans approve of Obama’s jobs bill. This is good news for Obama, who will soon need a job.
Drug smugglers from Mexico have been bringing drugs into Arizona by tunneling under parking spaces and then stuffing the drugs inside cars. Michele Bachmann’s solution is to put a fence around every parking space.
Next week Sesame Street is launching an anti-bullying campaign....
Jokes for October 12th, 2011.
Sony has suspended online video game accounts after another security breach. Nerds are so fed up they’ve started their own movement called Occupy My Mom’s Basement.
No credit card data was stolen. Worse, they reset everyone’s high scores.
Police stormed the home of the man behind the Scarlett Johansson nude photo leak. He was told to come out with his hands up, so everyone could high five...
Jokes for October 10th, 2011.
A woman went into labor after running the Chicago Marathon. Though technically her water breaking made it a biathlon.
She was in labor for 19 hours. A Kenyan did it in 15.
California passed a new law banning teens from tanning salons. How the hell are kids in California supposed to get a tan now?
Desperate teens have resorted to rubbing themselves with Cheetos.
Dr. Pepper is releasing a...
Jokes for October 5th, 2011.
Sarah Palin says after much prayer, she has decided not to run for President. Looks like God answered my prayers.
Scientists have started using the world’s most expensive telescope to take the first pictures of deepest space so we can better understand our universe. Wow, if it were me I would have just used it to see into a girl’s bedroom window from really far away.
A couple was...
Jokes for October 4th, 2011.
This is exciting, the new iPhone was announced today, lots of new features. This one can make phone calls.
It also comes with a new app that lets you always know where your friends are called Find My Friends, or as some will be calling it, Stalk My Ex.
NASA is seeking students for astronaut school. They’ve already received applications from hundreds of eight year olds.
A US scientist...
Jokes for October 3rd, 2011.
President Obama said that America is no better off today than four years ago. That’s not good for a guy who’s campaign slogan was, “change.”
Following Florida’s footsteps, South Carolina has changed their Republican presidential primary from February to January. It’s the first time anyone has made an effort to be more like Florida.
Herman Cain says that...
Jokes for September 30th, 2011.
New reports say that income fell in August for the first time in two years. I must be lucky, I’m making a ton of money right now. I sell foreclosed signs to local businesses.
Even Friendly’s is preparing for bankruptcy. On the bright side, there has never been a better time to invest in heavily discounted ice cream cakes.
There was a new study that ranked which country spends the...
September 2011
5 posts
Jokes for September 28th, 2011.
Bob Dylan is being accused of ripping off multiple photographers in his new paintings. When reached for comment, no one could understand what he was saying.
The recent cantaloupe outbreak is the deadliest in a decade. Of course we all remember the great cantaloupe massacre of 2000.
New studies show that climate change could shrink certain species. Great, now I’ll have one more excuse...
Jokes for September 27th, 2011.
Chelsea Clinton has been appointed to the board of Match.com. Boy is it going to be awkward when she finds her dad’s profile.
Last night on Dancing With the Stars Nancy Grace had a wardrobe malfunction. It was so bad that when viewers called in to vote they had the option to talk to a trauma specialist.
Last night while Obama was giving a speech, a heckler in the crowd referred to him...
Jokes for September 26th, 2011.
Scientists have confirmed over 600 alien planets. The question is, do they contain life? And if so, can we borrow money from them?
London is demanding an apology from Britney Spears over her new music video. Good luck. We’re still waiting on one for Crossroads.
There’s a new rumor that Facebook is going to start charging. I think the rumor was started by Google +.
Last night...
Jokes for September 13th, 2011.
The U.S. poverty rate has hit an all time record. Things are so bad my neighbor had to give up cable. And I had to give up stealing cable.
More than 50 new planets have been discovered, including one that could potentially support life. I say we take our chances and hold the next GOP debate there.
Studies show that watching Sponge Bob Square Pants can cause short attention spans and learning...
Jokes for September 12th, 2011.
Casey Anthony was on Dr. Phil. Have you ever seen a more disgusting individual? Also I don’t like Casey Anthony very much either.
Hurricane Irene will end up ranking in the top ten most expensive natural disasters in American history. I think most of the money was spent on advertising.
Surprisingly, George W. Bush said the most nervous moment of his presidency was throwing the World...
August 2011
10 posts
Jokes for August 31st, 2011.
Next week Obama’s jobs speech is scheduled for the same time as the GOP 2012 Debate. It’s a tough choice but in the end you just have to watch what’s going to have the most impact on our country. America’s Next Top Model.
Obama’s approval rating is at a record low. He needs to think outside the box. For 2012, I’m thinking vice president Lady Gaga.
Chile’s...
Jokes for August 30th, 2011.
The UN says bird flu is making a come back. Also making a comeback? Calling out of work pretending to be sick with bird flu.
Obama’s uncle was arrested for a DUI. They knew it was Obama’s uncle because he was driving down the middle of the road and every so often he’d swerve to the left.
E-Mail is 29 years old today. I’ll tell you e-mail has changed the world we live...
Jokes for August 29th, 2011.
Congratulations to Beyonce who announced last night that she’s going to be a MILF.
At last night’s VMAs Lady Gaga dressed as a man. I think the only way left for Lady Gaga to shock me now is if she dresses up as a conservatively dressed adult.
Hurricane Irene was so underwhelming they’ve renamed it Hurricane Obama.
Many people still can’t get back to their homes. ...
Jokes for August 25th, 2011.
I just finished getting my hurricane emergency supplies. Red wine and sleeping pills.
Obama is still on vacation, taking some time off from work. A lot of Americans are doing the same thing, though they call it unemployment.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney’s memoirs come out next week. Comes with a really nice forward by Satan.
Steve Jobs has stepped down as Apple’s CEO. I...
Jokes for August 23rd, 2011.
There was an earthquake in DC, New York, and Boston today that lasted about 45 seconds. Then everyone spent the next four hours asking, “Did you feel that?”
Today Biden met with tsunami survivors in Japan. Haven’t they suffered enough?
People are preparing for Hurricane Irene. Luckily because of the housing market many Americans have already boarded up their windows and...
Jokes for August 19th, 2011.
Bill Clinton says he is now a vegan. Though Clinton’s definition of vegan does include meat.
Burger King is getting rid of their mascot The King. Just want to wish him good luck in this job market.
Yesterday during a radio interview Michelle Bachmann warned of the rise of the Soviet Union. At this point I’d settle for a candidate that could pass an 8th grade history class.
...
Jokes for August 16th, 2011.
Obama souvenir sales are at an all time low. That’s right, the economy is so bad even the Obama bobble head industry is feeling it.
Things are looking better though. Biden has a plan to slowly build back our credit by ordering collectible Star Wars plates off the Home Shopping Network.
A new study shows that an hour of TV can shorten your life by 22 minutes. Finally some hard...
Jokes for August 11th, 2011.
I hope everyone watches the debate tonight. This is an important one, whoever wins this one gets Ron Paul’s pot of gold.
A new blood test can determine a baby’s gender at just seven weeks. That’s amazing, I was nine when my parent’s figured mine out.
In NYC sex ed is now mandatory in public schools. Experts say it will stop the spread of STDs, unwanted pregnancy and...
Jokes for August 9th, 2011.
Sarah Palin now has a granddaughter. That little girl is in for some bizarre tea parties.
Gold is at an all time high. Who would have thought those rapper’s teeth were a sound financial decision?
My new financial strategy is to find a leprechaun.
A lot of people are still shocked about the country’s poor credit rating. They had no idea they had that much in common with their...
Jokes for August 1st, 2011.
Well, after a long wait it seems we finally got some good news today. It’s Shark Week!
The House has finally passed the debt ceiling deal. They waited until the night before it was due, no one is really happy with it and it may not even work like it’s supposed to. It’s basically an 8th grade science project.
Our Triple A credit may still be in danger. I didn’t even...
July 2011
10 posts
Jokes for July 29th, 2011.
Apple now has more cash on hand than the United States. They have the iPhone, the iPad all we have are iOUs.
Congressional phone lines have been jammed the last couple of days over the default. They’ve been calling Cash4Gold.
Right now the government is really kicking itself for not investing more in Beanie Babies.
Chickens out number people three to one. Which means we’re...
Jokes for July 28th, 2011.
The classic board game Battleship will soon be a movie. Personally I’m waiting for the timeless, erotic love story, Chutes & Ladders.
This week scientists pretty much proved time travel impossible. Unfortunately going back in time was Washington’s best bet on getting more time to figure out the debt crisis.
A Singapore team of inventors say they have created the first robot...
Jokes for July 26th, 2011.
Another Democrat resigns over a sex scandal. Maybe these politicians could figure out the debt crisis if they weren’t so busy getting laid all the time.
The Post Office may close up to 3,700 offices. Does this really come as a surprise to anyone? Their best selling product costs 44 cents.
McDonalds are making their Happy Meals healthier. Now the prize is a mini weight bench.
...
Jokes for July 25th, 2011.
The price of oil is down. It’s nice to see all it took was Congress being unable decide how screwed we are.
It’s gotten so bad that now Congress won’t even agree that Mad Men is the best show on television.
The film rights to the story of the 33 Chilean miners have been purchased. The best part is it’s going to be in 3D.
Amy Winehouse will be cremated. And then...
Jokes for July 21st, 2011.
America can finally relax. After intense arguing on both sides, it looks like a plan is almost in place to fix one of America’s biggest problems. The NFL lockout.
Borders is going into liquidation, which is funny because the only time I ever went into a Borders is when I had to liquidate really bad.
Sarah Palin says she can help the mainstream media because she has a degree in...
Jokes for July 14th, 2011.
The Roger Clemen’s case was declared a mistrial. That’s the second week in a row the American legal system has struck out.
A new survey shows that 3% of Americans admit to watching pornography while at work. 18% do it from home while collecting unemployment.
Conan was nominated for an Emmy but Leno was not. They figured Jay could just take it from him a couple months later.
...
Jokes for July 13th, 2011.
The last Harry Potter comes out on Friday. I hear it’s so sad you’ll be crying into your cape.
Before Harry Potter, Hogwarts was just something you got from unprotected pig sex.
Just think, when the first Harry Potter came out many fans were just nine or ten years old. Now, ten years later, they’re still virgins living with their parents.
Bill Gates says he wants to...
Jokes for July 6th, 2011.
The new superhero movie Captain America is changing its name in some countries out of fear of anti-Americanism. In China they’ve changed the name from Captain America to Major Debt.
Today Obama held a town hall style meeting via Twitter. It just goes to show that Obama is not your typical politician. For example, he didn’t Tweet a single picture of his junk.
The TSA has said that...
Jokes for July 5th, 2011.
I hope everyone enjoyed their fourth of July. I did the most American thing I could think of, I borrowed twenty bucks from my Chinese friend and I don’t plan on paying him back.
Glenn Beck is launching his own clothing company. It’s a line of designer tin foil hats.
Joe Biden has joined Twitter, which means that Twitter is officially no longer cool.
Fox News had their Twitter...
Jokes for July 1st, 2011.
Everyone is getting ready for the big 4th of July weekend. I’ll be celebrating my independence all night until my girlfriend tells me it’s time to come to bed.
Today is Canada day. Lets all just take a moment to realize how lucky we are to not be Canadian.
Russia is getting ready to deploy troops to the Arctic. At least, that’s what Sarah Palin said it looks like from her...
June 2011
9 posts
Jokes for June 24th, 2011.
A new species of mushroom is being named after Sponge Bob Squarepants. Which is appropriate because I can’t watch that show unless I’m on mushrooms.
A recent study shows that the world’s top selling weed killer may be causing birth defects. Especially among those Cabbage Patch Kids.
Justin Bieber has come out with a perfume. It’s called Prepubescence.
In one of the...
Jokes for June 23rd, 2011.
The Obama administration is releasing 30 million barrels of oil from the country’s emergency reserves. Wait, we had emergency reserves?!
Legislation has been introduced to end the federal ban on marijuana. I think pot should be legal and what really needs to be banned is hacky sacks, tie dye and white guys with dreads.
First Osama, now they’ve caught the 81 year old mob boss Whitey...
Jokes for June 22nd, 2010.
Al Gore says that Obama has failed when it comes to global warming. I think what Obama needs to do is shoot global warming in the face.
A new national poll shows that 44% of Americans think the economy has been worse under Obama while 66% say they actually enjoy watching daytime TV in their underwear.
Sarah Palin has reportedly quit her bus tour to focus on more important things like her family...
Jokes for June 21st, 2011.
President Obama says from now on he is writing all his own Tweets. So now we will know exactly when our president is on the toilet.
Newt has been talking about raising the debt ceiling. On his own campaign.
Iran is planning on launching a monkey into space. I’ll give it to them, that does sound like a lot of fun.
A new opera about a teenage Bill Clinton is opening in New York....
Jokes for June 14th, 2011.
Over the weekend hackers broke into the Senate’s website. Luckily they didn’t find anything too compromising, nothing nearly as embarrassing as what you’d find on a Congressman’s Twitter.
Boehner has called for Weiner’s resignation. Great, we’re already in three wars and now we’ve got a cockfight.
The US Army will no longer make soldiers wear berets....
Jokes for June 13th, 2011.
The guy who predicted the Rapture had a stroke, which I think is God’s way of guaranteeing that he stops speaking for him.
The White House has called Weiner’s photos a ‘distraction.’ If Obama wants our attention all he has to do is Tweet one of those Osama photos.
Tonight was the first Republican presidential debate. If I wanted to watch old white people argue...
Jokes for June 8th, 2011.
It was so hot in my office today it made me wish I had one of those sweet government jobs where pants are optional.
Facebook is going to introduce facial recognition software. Even better Twitter’s going to introduce penis recognition software.
Of course Weiner admitted to the photo. There’s not a man alive who could resist taking credit for that thing. For a while I was going...